


Dickin' around the Christmas Tree

by MsCaptainWinchester (rons_pigwidgeon)



Series: 25 Days of Spideypool Christmas 2020 [3]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Christmas Decorations, Christmas Tree, Dildos, M/M, No Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-03
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:13:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27770554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rons_pigwidgeon/pseuds/MsCaptainWinchester
Summary: Peter just wanted dim sum, and some patrolling, and maybe a dumb Christmas movie on the couch with Wade. What he didn't expect was to come home to a Christmas tree covered in dicks.
Relationships: Peter Parker/Wade Wilson
Series: 25 Days of Spideypool Christmas 2020 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2025320
Comments: 2
Kudos: 64





	Dickin' around the Christmas Tree

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written based off a prompt submitted to my tumblr anonymously. The original [prompt](https://mscaptainwinchester.tumblr.com/post/636492741013061632/cracky-spideypool-why-is-the-tree-covered-in): _Cracky Spideypool. "WHY is the tree covered in dicks?" "Accidental dildo bulk order. I figured, eh, might as well make them into ornaments, right?" (Several minutes later, holding a suspiciously shaped package.) "Gee, I wonder what you got me."_
> 
> Thank you to [Jukoist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jukoist/profile) for being an amazing beta and suggesting the surprise dildo at the end!

When Peter walked into their apartment after a long day at the lab, his mind was on dim sum take-out, and maybe pulling the suit on for a few hours of swinging around Manhattan. He wasn’t expecting to walk in to see a 6-foot Christmas tree covered in dildos. “Uh… Wade? Babe? What the hell?” he asked, loud enough to be heard in the bedroom. He dropped his bag next to his shoes and padded over to the tree, taking in the rainbow of colors, shapes, and sizes of dildo, all attached the branches with tinsel and fishing line. Somehow, Wade had attached them all strategically so that they didn’t droop the branches. They were even evenly spaced. It could have been a fantastic display in a sex shop. Except it was their living room. 

“WADE,” he called again, louder and a little more strained. May was supposed to be coming to Christmas dinner in a week. How was he going to look her in the eye with dildos covering his Christmas tree?

“Yes, sweetums?” Wade sing-songed back, appearing from the hallway in just a pair of Christmas-themed Spider-Man pajamas pants. Peter hadn’t even known they  _ sold _ Christmas-themed Spider-Man pajamas pants, and once again lamented not being able to collect licensing fees.

“Why is the Christmas tree covered in dildos?”

“Product testing research. Had to figure out which company I liked best, so I bought everything I could find.” He didn’t appear to find anything strange about that answer. Because of course he wouldn’t. 

Peter looked at the tree again, eyes narrowing in on a miniature dildo shaped like a tentacle in shimmery purple and teal. “Where did you even find some of these?” He touched the tip of a massive green one Wade had attached to one of the sturdier branches that looked like a very veiny dick the width of a baseball bat. 

“Etsy. Found a favorite yet? I thought we could spend Christmas trying them out,” Wade told him, coming up behind him and wrapping him up in his arms with an obvious thrust of his hips into Peter’s backside. 

“May’s supposed to be coming over for Christmas, dumbass. We’re not having the Sex Toy Olympics with my aunt.” Peter shot him a look over his shoulder.

“Christmas Eve, then? We could decorate the tree with the boring ornaments as we go.” 

“I love you, but you have the strangest ideas with holiday traditions. I thought we already decided on A Christmas Story marathon and overstuffing ourselves with Christmas cookies on the couch. Not… this.”

“I can stuff you with some Christmas cookies, no problem.” Wade reached over his shoulder and yanked what looked like a gingerbread man butt plug off a higher branch and wiggled it in front of Peter’s face. 

Peter snatched it from him and held it up for a closer examination, fingers moving over the smooth silicone as he tried to figure out how someone would ever think to make such a thing. “Where are we going to put all of these after Christmas?” 

“Sex dungeon.” 

“We’re on the 10 th floor.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Wade bussed his cheek with the blasé tone he tended to use when he was up to something he knew Peter would yell at him for, but also blow him in appreciation of later. 

Peter closed his eyes and took a calming breath, pushing it out of his mind. Dim sum, a squirrely boyfriend, and a couple hours of patrolling. Stick to the destress plan. When he opened his eyes again, he caught onto a very distinct shape wrapped in Christmas paper tucked under the tree. 

“Gee, I wonder what my Christmas present is,” he said, picking it up and brandishing it at Wade. 

Wade walked away whistling. “No spoilers. I’m ordering dim sum. What do you want?”

Peter stared from the phallic-shaped present to Wade’s retreating back and shook his head, setting it back under the tree. “You’re a dumbass,” he told him, wandering after him. “Cha Sao Bao, of course.” 

He got his dim sum and his patrol. And maybe a slow ride on a shimmery rainbow unicorn dildo while watching Operation Christmas Drop on the couch, too. 

**Author's Note:**

> I do not consent to my stories being listed on Goodreads or other book platforms.
> 
> If you want writing updates from me, you can follow me on Twitter [@RonsPigwidgeon](https://twitter.com/RonsPigwidgeon), [Tumblr](https://mscaptainwinchester.tumblr.com/), [NewTumbl](https://mscaptainwinchester.newtumbl.com/), or [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.io/MsCaptainWinchester).
> 
> And if you'd like to come yell about my main ship, Spideypool, with me, join the 18+ Discord server I co-mod, [Isn't It Bromantic](https://discord.gg/w6UyAn7)!


End file.
